I don't usually mess with movies like these. This is the kind of territory Dr. Freex and Gorelord like to explore. But, I figured, "What the hell?" Besides, it's Dracula vs. Frankenstein! What kind of buttpipe would I be if I missed this chance?
Chance to do what, Dr. Psy?
Why, the chance to warn you about how much pain and suffering this movie will cause before it kills again, little rabbit.
We open in a graveyard somewhere (California), somewhen (the 1960s). Someone decides to take up a spot of grave robbing before happening upon a hapless guard. The grave robber summarily bites the guard on the throat and drains him dry. A close up reveals that the assailant is none other then Dracula.
Okay, whether or not the Dracula (who's been royalty for going on 700 years) would dirty his hands digging in the dirt, I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I surmise that Dracula would not be wearing his hair in an afro.
But, hey, it's the 60s! Ol' Drac seems to have become a swinger, baby, yeah!
Being the sixties, we switch to a lounge act of some kind, centered around Judi (Regina Carroll). Judi takes time out from her busy life of dancing around with men to search for her sister, Jodie. We in the audience (being the audience and all) know that her search is futile, considering we see Jodie get her head chopped off.
The chopper is Groton (Lon Channey), the mute servant to Dr. Last of the Frankensteins (J. Carol Nash). Dr. Last of the Frankensteins is hold up in an amusement park, dividing his time between Evil and being the MC of a house of horrors. Dr. Last of the Frankensteins little version of Evil has something to do with the blood of traumatized people. I don't know, maybe you'll be able to figure it out.
Anyway, one night, Dr. LotF gets a visit from Dracula. Drac has taken a special shine to Dr. LotF experiments (the formula Dr. LotF is creating will render Drac invincible to sunlight) and offers a partnership. As a peace offering, Drac hands over the remains of the original Frankenstein's Monster and with it a chance for Dr. LotF to get revenge on the academics that refused to recognize his genius.
Or something like that.
Meanwhile, the search continues and Judi (after having her drink spiked with LSD) falls in with some good old guitar playin', beach livin', sex havin' hippies. The most helpful hippie is Mike (Anthony Eisley) who, in one conversation, gives Judi a solid lead on where her sister might be. Really says something about the police force in this idiot world, doesn't it?
After several hours of film (and the damn thing is only 90 minuets) Judi finds out Dr. Last of the Frankensteins killed her sister for his experiments. Things all go to hell from there, as Dr. LotF, Groton, and Dr. LotF's clone, Mini Last of the Frankensteins (Angelo Rossitto) die. This, of course, leaves Dracula to take matters into his own hands. With The Monster under his control, he kidnaps Judi (after roasting Mike with his lightning bold ring).
In an old church, Drac is about to dine when, suddenly, The Monster gains a spark of humanity, and saves Judi. A very big letdown of a final battle follows (it's shot in really bad day-for-night, like most of the movie), with Drac pulling the Monster apart before crumbling to dead leaves in the light of the sun. The goddamn end.
Ugh! You know what I hate most about this movie? It has a really bitching concept. I mean, who doesn't want to see Dracula and Frankenstein go at it? Unfortunately, no one's ever thrown enough money at the idea to do any good.
This movie is a disgrace to both it's names. Drama? What is this thing you call "drama"? Every actor reads their lines in a bored monotone. This only really works for Dracula because, well, he's dead. Yet, even his performance is ruined by the stupid reverb he speaks in.
And let's talk about those monsters. The box portrays both Drac and Frank in their classic Universal forms (which they'll be stuck in, for better or worse, until time's end). Inside the box, we have a Dracula devoid of any Romanian accent ("Goot eefnink"), wearing a cape and fangs probably bough from a Get N' Go for $1.20.
The Monster, though . . . sweet Jesus. Instead of the classic Boris Karloff make up, we're given Shelly Weiss with a bag over his head. I'm serious, it looks like a potato sack. Plus, instead of strangling people, the Monster seems to hug people to death. Aww, isn't that sweet? He's killing them with love! Now doesn't that fit right in with the 1960s?
So, instead of Dracula and Frankenstein we get Nightman and the world's ugliest Care Bear. Instead of an actual movie, we get something whose sheer badness would make Kyle cry "Oh my God, dude!" Instead of renting this movie, why not just jam an ax in your brain. There'll be less pain involved.
